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Improve your professional relationships and psychological safety in your workplace through the skill of validation.

Did you know that employees who feel their leaders genuinely care about them & their well-being are more productive, more effective, and more content?

Turns out when we put building positive relationships with our team members first on the priority list, we are actually more likely to get the outcomes that we want.

People perform better when they feel heard.

In our interactions at work, we often focus on problem-solving, achieving outcomes, and maximizing our team’s potential. And of course, solutions, outcomes and productivity are important, but this focus can sometimes strain our relationships at work, especially when team members are overwhelmed or distressed.

So, what should we do instead?

Validation is the key to communicating in a way that builds trust, understanding and empathy. And a big plus, it helps foster psychological safety, a workplace climate where people feel comfortable to speak up, admit mistakes, ask questions, and challenge ideas.

Validation is how you express to someone that their feelings, thoughts and behaviours are understandable, and that although you may not agree or approve of their responses, decisions or choices, you can see how they make sense given that person’s circumstances and perspective.

We can often overlook validation when we communicate, especially when problems come up. We tend to jump straight into defending our perspective or trying to help through problem-solving or advice-giving. While problem-solving can work, it can also strain our relationships if we’re too focused on fixing things and not enough on validating the other person.

Validation is about gaining a deeper and fuller understanding so people feel heard, respected and safe. It’s about allowing yourself to see beyond your own perspective, to see things from their point of view. And that doesn’t mean you have to agree! You can still validate another person’s responses and decisions without agreeing with them.

Validation involves 5 simple steps:

Step 1. Listen

Simple but vital—When you listen with attention, interest and focus—you are being validating without having to say anything!

• Be engaged and present. Listening is not thinking about what you are going to do next or worrying about what to say. Just trust that if you fully listen, you will be in a better position to respond effectively.
• Resist the urge to jump in with help, advice and suggestions—there is plenty of time for that plus, how can you effectively fix something that you don’t fully understand?
• And whenever you notice you’ve become distracted, just bring yourself back to focusing on listening.

Step 2. Notice

Noticing is about paying full attention to what isn’t being said.

Did you know that the majority of the way we communicate is through nonverbal cues?

If I say, “I’m really happy!” while I roll my eyes and frown, what part of my communication are you going to believe the most? It’s the nonverbal aspects of communication that gives what we say true meaning. So it’s important to observe and take into account a person’s facial expression, tone of voice, posture, eye contact & movement.

Also be very aware of your own nonverbal cues. Be mindful of your own state of mind and nonverbal expressions of frustration, impatience, judgment or criticism. A lot can be said through your tone of voice, your eye contact, your open or closed posture, and your facial expression.

One interesting thing to remember is that neutral faces can often be perceived as negative by others—so ensure that you smile and project warmth.

Step 3. Check the Facts

In this step, you summarise what they have said to you to make sure you have understood exactly what they mean. If they respond that you haven’t understood correctly, ask them some more questions, in a curious manner and tone.

Maintain a nonjudgmental stance especially if you’re getting feedback that you are just not getting it. Remember what you are trying to achieve, and proceed gently to try and gain a better understanding of the other person’s experience with an open mind.

Examples of validating questions:

• “When you said that you couldn’t finish your project, did you mean that you need help to meet the deadline?”
• “From what you have been telling me, it sounds like you are feeling really anxious, is that how you feel?“
• “Oh, I apologise for misunderstanding what you meant, can you explain it to me again?”

Remember you are seeking to understand the facts, not expressing judgements or making interpretations of the facts.

STEP 4. Identify the valid

This step is about finding a way to gain a genuine understanding of the other person’s perspective. You are looking for what is valid.

Put yourself in their shoes. Do their feelings, thoughts and actions make sense given their circumstances, the context, or their past experiences?

Take into account what you know about the person. Are there any personal factors that can help you understand their point of view?

If you are struggling to find something to validate, look for any aspect of their experience that is valid—sometimes it’s about finding the kernel of truth. If you’re stuck, start with validate their feelings.

And remember, for validation to be effective, it has to come from a genuine place.

STEP 5. Communicate the Valid

Be clear, genuine and stick to the facts. This doesn’t have to be complicated, sometimes, you can simply restate their perspective:

• “It sounds like you are feeling stressed about finishing your project on time.”

It can be helpful to acknowledge that you appreciate that they have come to you about a specific issue or problem:

• “Thank you for letting me know how much you are struggling, I can understand now how hard these last few weeks have been for you.”

It’s okay if you don’t understand. That will happen. Just be open and honest about it and also acknowledge how this may be impacting them as well.

• “I am really genuinely trying to understand your perspective, but I just can’t seem to get it. I completely get why you feel frustrated with me.”

Notice how we haven’t jumped into problem-solving. When we validate first, we are giving people a chance to be heard and understood.

When people feel safe, they are more open to asking for help and guidance if it’s still needed.

Remember, you are not in complete control over how any interaction goes. All you can do put your best foot forward and if it goes well, great! And if it doesn’t, reflect on what went well and what could have been better, get the support you need to process the interaction, and keep practicing.

Author: Dr. Lillian Nejad, Founder | Director of Contain Your Brain